lundi 15 juin 2009

Like a penis, only smaller

The trips home are turning into a predictable routine.

Every time I go home, I do the same things, with the same people. Dinner with the Girls From Work (the chickies I worked with 20 years ago...), drinks with Lovely colleagues, a day with the Nephew and Niece, Mother ever-present and hovering in the background.

So this time I decided to spice it up a bit.

There's a guy who I met a while ago in Brum, in a club, and we've kept in touch ever since - albeit in a very loose, surface, vague interest kind of way. He had recently asked if I wanted to do something when I was next over, so I said sure, why not.

As he launched into his third beer and his fifteenth non-anecdote I realised that this was a mistake. He was possibly the dullest person I'd met in a long time. And he should have been so interesting. On paper he's a really fascinating person - he's lived in Tokyo, in Cairo and in Tel Aviv and has spent much of his adult life travelling.

Alas, the paper was more interesting than the flesh and blood. It was dullsville. Truly dull.

Anyone who has spent any time with me will know that I have an anecdote for all occasions. A tale for every situation. I appreciate that this can be a bit much. But this guy - the stories were neither funny, nor interesting.

So, we drank a few beers and then he asked me if I wanted to 'do something'. Now, dearest reader, the guy is boring, but he is hot. Physically, he ticks every box, and then some that I never thought needed ticking.

He is tall, strong, muscled. He has a hairy chest, a short beard and a twinkle in his eye.

How could I say no. We skipped off back to his place in a fancy city-centre loft.

However - and this is where I need to issue a 'too much information' alert - it turns out that he wasn't as well proportioned as I'd hoped.

There were two things wrong.

Firstly, he had the smallest tackle I've ever seen. I mean, this was small. It was like a teeny tiny acorn sat in a birds nest of pubic hair.

He was neither a shower nor a grower. He was underdeveloped.

It's not like I'm a big size queen, but I knew as the shorts were dropped that this wouldn't end well.

And as awful as this was (truly, at one point he was walking towards me naked and I thought he'd tucked it between his legs) it was nothing compared to the other physical disaster.

"What could be worse than a non-dick?" I hear you ask.

Well, the thing is, he had unfeasibly long legs. I mean long. He was probably six foot four, and most of that was leg.

This, combined with a refusal to just lie on his back (I told you this was too much information, sorry) made for, erm, 'difficult' lovemaking.

It was like a shetland pony trying to shag a clydesdale.

It was almost physically impossible. Note that I say almost.

As I tried my hardest to make the most of a bad situation, as my dignity ebbed slowly away and as my desire for the evening to reach a happy ending slipped out of view over the horizon, who do you think was forefront in my mind?

Yes, dear reader, it was you.

And there's the moral of the story. No matter how undignified, boring, awkward or nasty a situation is, it is ALWAYS good for the blog.

My discomfort is your pleasure. My pain, your gain.

His small penis, your big laugh.

At least, I hope you are laughing....

32 commentaires:

softinthehead a dit…

Now if I can just get that picture out of my head...lol :) As always ..thanks for sharing.

amy a dit…

Ha ha! Yes, I am laughing, at the Shetland/Clydesdale image, everything. Didn't they used to say "just lie back and think of England"? Now, it's "just lie back and remember, this will make a great blog post"...

wontletlifedefineme a dit…

The visuals this just gave me.. but I am laughing!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Softy - you're welcome. We aim to please here...although that was my aim on that occasion too...ha ha

Amy...or as Karen Walker would say 'lie back and think of handbags'. I love me a Karen quote...

Marjolein, hopefully it hasn't put you off your lunch...

alan a dit…

oh, travelling, the sticky situations you do find yourself in!

Keep em coming!

savannah a dit…

now i know, sugar...when y'all say too much info is coming, you MEAN it! but, oh hell yeah, i did laugh! xoxox

(and yes, that shetland/clydesdale will forever be with me!!!!)

Valleys Mam a dit…

That was hilarious and not too much info as it was " in the best possible taste"Poor chap - but it didn't stop him asking did it,
Could even be a good case for a strap on ----------

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Alan, I'm happier knowing that you all share my pain.

Savannah - I did warn you! You think that image will live with you? I'm stuck with the real image!! he he

VM - he needed some prosthetic help, without a doubt....and no, you definitely have to give him credit for not being embarassed...

cb a dit…

But I always thought it was the little things in life...

Glad the prodigal son hath returned.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Oh CB, this thing was too little to count. Really. Like a shrimp.

Daryl a dit…

Well, I would laugh but I feel so sad for you .. do hope in the end, well .. erm, one of your got to enjoy himself and I sure hope it was you

travelling, but not in love a dit…

D, nothing sad really - just a bit of a mismatch of, erm, proportions...he he

wontletlifedefineme a dit…

I just replaced those images with the ones of last night and I was fine again... too much information?

MyopicPsychotic a dit…

Brilliant!

Rob Inukshuk a dit…

Over share...not really. That Shetland/Clydesdale image - too funny. Thank you for enduring, your readers do so appreciate it.

A Lewis a dit…

Are you a size queen? Or a LACK OF SIZE queen? Grower here, occasionally a shower!

aims a dit…

Yes - but he had a huge heart!

Darling boy - I have been there! So - um....embarrassing. Well I was embarrassed...he on the other hand was just frantic.

My my my......ain't life full of surprises.

Greg a dit…

And we thank you for putting yourself through that for our benefit.

But what an odd image I know have floating through my mind of the long legs and almost-non-existent do-hickey.

The Hangar Queen a dit…

Laughing?

Oh yes.

I know a doctor that could fix him right up.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Marjolein - you're a bad girl. I like that.

MP - thanks....

Rob, you're welcome

Lewis, I'll take what's on offer usually, but really, there ARE limits, he he

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Aims, surprises, surprises....he he

Greg - Do-hickey? What on earth...

HQ - hello sweetness, how you doing? I think this boy could have used that doctor's phone number, bless him....

laurie a dit…

i am!

Brett a dit…

Unlike him you keep surpassing your self!"

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Laurie, I'm glad you are!

Brett, i'm taking that as a compliment...he he

The Pixy Princess a dit…

Let this be a lesson to you. Either find an interesting enough angle for the blog in even the dullest interaction/event or be forced into drastic measures like this one if only for our later amusement!

12ontheinside a dit…

Ahhhh. Too shocked to laugh. Reminds me of a guy who said to a friend of mine "Oh come on, it won't hurt - it's really little".

Michelle a dit…

I'm laughing!!!!

tornwordo a dit…

OMG micropenis! That got a giggle out of me.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Pixy - the things I do for you lot, eh?

12oti - this wouldn't have hurt anyone, trust me...

Michelle - I'm glad you are too!

Torny - and micro it was, too. micro-micro...

Anonyme a dit…

HAHAHAHAHAHA small penis jokes are the best!!!! They're so original and not overused. And what's even better, the guys who have them absolutely deserve to be ridiculed! Obviously it's their fault they have a small penis, they should've picked a big one. They are less than 'real' men. Let us emasculate them!! hoorah hoorah!

You know, the world would benefit from more people like you. The kind of women who have sex with so many men they know what's big, what's average, and what's small. Yeah, sex for everyone. Monogamy and committed relationships are SO overrated. I mean, really, do you see how happy those people are with their families??? Let's all have one big orgy instead (excluding all the non-men with their small penises, of course).

I'm glad you're willing to throw all self-respect out the window so that others can read about it on the internet.

Of course you're not a size queen. You're just a whore :)

Anonyme a dit…

oh wait... you're not a woman, you're a gay man. my apologies. hmmm, now i've got nothing... i mean, that's... that's just too easy. Hope logic starts to make sense to you. Either that or 'happy sodomy'?

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Anon, It sure takes guts to write such things anonymously. Well done you. You must be very proud of yourself.