jeudi 13 août 2009

If I knew where I stood, I'd be standing there

So, Wednesday.

It was never going to be a good day.  I had to travel to and from UK head office in the same day, in order to be back here for a meeting the next day.  Before I went to bed on Tuesday night I knew that Wednesday would start early and finish late.

Unfortunately, it started late as I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock one too many times and fell asleep.  Running through the shower and jumping into clothes, I heard the crackberry ping - an email.  But I truly didn't have time to look at it.  

I got my shit together and walked - very quickly - to the Gare de Lyon to get the train out to the airport.  It's now 6.00 am.  

Halfway to the station, I remembered the email. 

It was from Florida Boy and innocently entitled 'Hey there!'

So I open it and start to read.

It wasn't the romantic start to my day that I usually get from him.

"I love you is this ever going to work? it possible to make something from what we have....I don't know how we can ever make this work long distance....I wish you lived closer...." and so on.  

You get the drift.  

It's true, the distance is a huge deal.  I'm not sure how we ever would make it work.  But maybe some things are worth struggling for.  Maybe this is one of those things.

But then I read on.

"I don't expect you to be a saint while I'm not in Paris....I'm sure you've been seeing other people...."

Well, you all know that I've not been a saint.  But we'd discussed our attitude to sex vs love many times and neither of us were under any illusions.  

"Thing is, I've been seeing someone too....I don't know where it's heading....but I really like him....I think it might be something good".  

Well, that was kind of like getting shot.

And, no word of a lie, as I read this line, the telephone rang and it was him.

"I didn't mean to send it, don't read it" he sounded panicked.

"I read it" I said.  "What does it mean?"

"It means nothing, really, nothing"


"Well, I still really want to see if we can make something together, but I just wanted to be honest with you" he said.

Turns out, he had sex with this guy - which doesn't at all bother me - but then the sex dates turned into proper 'date' dates - which we said we wouldn't do to each other - and he's 'not sure' how he feels about him.  But he's desperate to see me and see how that works out.

The more he talks, the more he tells me that this guy isn't anything important.  Nobody special.

But you know what?  He has three weeks before he comes to see me, the other guy is local and I may as well be a million miles away.  If this guy likes FB, he's going to be going all out to get him before he comes this way.  

I really hate this kind of situation.  Being put in competition with someone else.  Having to prove you're the best man for the job.  My natural instinct is to walk away.  Close the door.  Save my heart.  But this time I think I should persevere.

So I talk awhile, but ultimately have to leave the conversation with him.  I have to go to the airport and get to the UK.

In the UK, I lurch from dreadful meeting to dreadful meeting.  My final meeting of the day ends with my boss asking me to stay behind to speak to her - and she then cusses me out (impressively so, I'd say) for being 'snippy' with her on the phone the previous day.  I give as good as I get, but still, it's hard.

I leave the office in the UK, and head to the airport.

I get on the plane and fly to Paris.

I get back to my house at 11,30pm.

At this point, I'm knackered.  Emotionally drained.  Exhausted.

Florida boy calls.

It's all I can do to answer the phone.  It's as much as I can do talk to him.

I tell him that we'll talk again tomorrow.

I go to bed wishing that my life never sees another day like this one.

So now it's Thursday and I spoke to him again today.  I felt like I was just going through the motions.

How easily we are let down. 

I honestly, truly do not have a clue.  I don't what to think.  I don't know what to feel.  

I don't feel let down, much, but more that we agreed on a policy of 'no dates other than sex' and he reneged on the deal.  

But the thing is, long-distance will always be like this.  There'll always be a chance that one of us will have his head turned by someone local and the other will get his heart broken.  Is that anyway for either of us to live?  Under constant threat of being replaced?

Really?  I just want to walk away.  But I don't think I can.

26 commentaires:

Daryl a dit…

Okay... I say lets see what happens when he gets to Paris .. sure 3 weeks is a long time but if there is something real between you 3 weeks isnt going to kill it ... not even if the guy at home is hot ...

cb a dit…

Well, my vote is to hang in there and see where it goes. And in three weeks you'll see each other again amd the spark will either be there or it won't.

And then you'll know. But if you quit before then, you will always wonder. Which sucks worse than a broken heart.

A Lewis a dit…

I would definitely chill and see what happens...and don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. The head getting pulled one direction while the heart is pulled another is never pleasant. I wish you clarity of heart and mind.....

Anonyme a dit…

I think that you should see what happens with FB. But be careful of your heart... Be honest with yourself and him when he comes to visit.
I agree with cb - you don't want to always wonder what could have happened.

Try not to worry to much about the visit - the email / phone call will no doubt be going over your head a few times in these 3 weeks... But just try to relax & see what comes about.

The Mutant a dit…

For once I have no smart arsed retort, after all this is a matter of the heart and that's something you simply do not toy with.

I'm also going to go against the tide here. I'm going to pull out my grown up voice and tell you that a long distance relationship shouldn't ever be so difficult.

There should be no blurred lines. There should be no 'Sorry, I accidentally slept with another, and now I'm not sure if I want him or you' type shit.

If FB is so hungry for affection that he'll do that, do you really want to be waiting in the wings while he does what it takes to decide?

I'm not telling you to walk away just yet. let him come and visit if you think its what you need to do, but approach with caution.

I'd hate to think of you as a man with a broken heart. You deserve better.

Anonyme a dit…

Yep, hang in there and see what happens in a few weeks. Tempted to lecture you about how casual hook ups will always lead to trouble when you're seeing someone else, no matter how long distance, but decided not to. oh, whoops.

Alyssa a dit…

Three weeks is just that, some amount of time, you two have been trhough longer. If Florida boy feels this too, then that other guy doesn't matter. Local whatever, you are TBNIL!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

D, I guess so. And I can't imagine the guy at home is hot like me...;-)

CB, true, the spark will either be there or it won't. It'll be what it'll be.

Lewis, thanks - clarity is exactly what I need at the moment...

Jalla - that 'if only' would kill me.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Mutant - you speak sense. Approach with caution is great advice...I'll be doing just that, trust me.

12oti, yeah, I know, I know.... are correct of course - I AM TBNIL...hear me roar, ha ha

Victor a dit…

Yes, it is one danger of long distant relationships but the same thing could happen if you were flatmates.

I don't know where my comment leads to...except...that's life.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Vicotr - 'that's life' is what I'm thinking...but also what I'm kind of sick of thinking :( :)

The Woman who Can a dit…

TBNIL, it's me Tina, used to be Too Young for a Midlife etc? Just popped up from lurking to say if you really think he's worth it (and you know, deep down, what the answer is) then you'll wait. And if its meant to be, it will be. Tres sage, n'est ce pas?!!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Hey Tina, lovely to hear from you....I wondered where you'd got to! Thanks for the advice, wise and welcomed as ever...

Anonyme a dit…

Oh no...not the sort of email one wants, but...he is being honest and he is human. So are you and it could easily have been you writing that email.

The thing is, without the possibility of one of you relocating, at some point in the future, there is no point to this other than a bit of fun when you're in the same place....until one of you moves on.

I have a feeling that his visit in 3 weeks will present it's own answers and solutions.

tornwordo a dit…

Can't you guys have some virtual sex, via Skype say, to keep your momentum, erm, up? Why is he going on date dates if the agreement were otherwise?

Anonyme a dit…

Babes I wish I could give you big hug right now. Ok just pretend.

Things might be awkward when you meet in 3 weeks, but put it behind you and carry on as normal.
Persevere and go for it. Faint heart never won fair lady.
xxx :)

Anonyme a dit…

Awwww, man. Big hug to you, TBIL. I think you should wait it out and see what happens when he gets here, too. Three weeks of waiting and worrying are nothing in comparison to a lifetime of regret. It could have a very happy ending yet. Is there no way that he would move to Paris permanently, somewhere down the line? Or you to Florida? x

L a dit…

Ooops, that was me, btw!

alan a dit…

Survey says; Wait.

Either way; hugs!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Rob - answers and solutions or questions and problems? he he

Torny, that's the big question, but hey...

Poser, tis true, feint heart never did win fair lady....but is he being fair?

Anon/L, yep, we've talked about those scenarios...whichis why I'm a little surprised by his message tbh...

Alan, survey says : thanks!

Anonyme a dit…

No he's not being fair. You both agreed to allow each other to have sex with other people - not have a relationship.
I mean, you've kept your side of the deal. At least he told you. If he didn't love you he wouldn't have called.

Anonyme a dit…

Well I think you know the answer in your heart and your head
Just need to decide which to go with
Neither of you are being exclusive,which is what you should be if this is real.Its hard and it came when you were not in a good place. Tiny footsteps I think until you see things more logically.
feeling for you

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Poser, yep, at least he called...I kind of wish he hadn't...

VM, I think tiny footsteps are the way forward....

Anthony a dit…

Shit ......

(I had also made you BB 'ping' that morning but I didn't get a mention ...... not that I'm bitter or anything .....)

travelling, but not in love a dit…

LaTanya, sorry dear. I forgot that it's all about you....

Louise a dit…

Daryl is right. And I hate it when I get so far behind on you.

This stinks, and I feel rotten for you. I might walk, too, but what do you lose by waiting 3 weeks.