She'll arrive at 5pm with her sister (who is 72 years old and who showed me her tits last time she visited) and my cousin (50 years old, very important job, very little common sense). Between the three of them they will cause mayhem, chaos and disaster.
Please don't start to rub your hands together with glee at the fact that my 'holiday en famille' will deliver blog posts extraordinaires. Please think about me, my mental health, my lack of 'amour' for a week and the fact that I have to sleep on the sofa.
Anyway, the madness has already begun.
"Hello Bab, it's me. Your Mom", she said, calling me earlier yesterday evening. "Can you help me pack?"
"Hello Mom, yes I can help you pack. It's very easy, given that I'm in France and you're the other side of the channel". Obviously I only said the first of these two sentences. "What's up?"
"Well, your Aunt is bringing no t-shirts and you know she suffers with the heat. And your cousin isn't bringing a coat. She says she'll buy one if she needs one," she took a breath. "So what do I do?"
"You worry about your packing and ignore them", said I, helpfully.
We decided this was the best thing to do and off she went to pack. I continued my journey home.
Within ten minutes the phone rang again.
"How many pairs of trousers is too many?"
"Erm, twelve? seventeen? thirty two?"
"Don't be facetious", she said, pronouncing it with a hard 'c', like it should be spelt facketious. "Is four too many?"
"No Mom, four is fine".
"And I have fourteen tops. Is that too many?"
"Yes Mom, that's officially too many". And at this point, dearest reader of mine, I gave in. I gave her what she wanted.
"Listen Mom, do you have a pen? Good. Why don't you bring four pairs of trousers - two jeans two fairly smart. One skirt. One light jacket or cardigan, one warm jumper. Bring a different top for every day and one that's good for a fancy dinner. And a waterproof coat. Pack a pair of underwear for each day and three spare, and don't forget your toothbrush".
"Perfect", she said. "I knew you'd know what to do. Your brother just told me not to be so stupid and to get on with it".
Sometimes I think my brother has got it right.