vendredi 23 janvier 2009

Behold my naked shame

So, last night I was feeling brave. Finally, I have reached a point with this flu where I don't feel like coughing up a lung every time I walk up the stairs and so, pumped up with much bravado, I headed to the gym.

I did my usual tour of the machines, building myself up into the usual lovely, sweaty, exhausted, somewhat over-gymmed mess. It wasn't pretty.

Now I'm a guy who showers at the gym. In the UK, this is considered normal behaviour - you work out, you get sweaty, you shower, you go home. In France it's not always the case, and probably 50% of people just change out of their gym clothes back into their street clothes - with a bit of a towel down to remove excess sweat in between. Vile.

Thus, post workout finds me getting ready to take a shower. The gym is fairly basic and the lockers require that you bring your own padlock (cadenas in French, for anyone interested). The lockers are battered, bruised but, having been built in the 1950's, are incredibly strong. This fact didn't help me last night.

So, I undress and pack my things away, ready to shower. I have my 'gel douche' at the ready, and I'm covering my decency with the smallest of small gym-issued towels. It's tiny.

It's at this point that I realise my error - stupidly I still have my glasses on, and obviously don't want to be showering in my specs.

Turning to put them in my locker, I realise the true, real, massive, horrible mistake that I have made.

I've locked everything that I own inside the locker - including the key to the padlock.

I'm stuck, naked but for a facecloth-sized-towel, with no access to my clothes.

I try not to panic. I try not to laugh hysterically. I try to keep breathing.

What to do? It's not like I can march through the gym, downstairs to the reception desk and ask for assistance. I need to involve someone else. Someone dressed.

I ask the guy next to me - who has just walked in and is in street clothing - if he'd go back downstairs and ask reception for help. He laughs (a lot) but agrees. Trust me, when I was learning French all those years ago, never, ever did I think I'd be so grateful for it as I was last night.

The boy from reception arrives, with the biggest pair of metal cutters you've ever seen. Obviously this draws considerable attention, and a crowd soon gathers to see the small boy use his big tool.

Two clips later and I have a broken padlock, but an open locker. I shake his hand to thank him and realise that, to all intents and purposes, I am completely starkers.

It's been a long time since I was the naked centre of attention in a room of sweaty men.

I'd like to say it was enjoyable. It wasn't.

32 commentaires:

alan a dit…

oh my god! You deserve a hug! Have a hug from me.

But make sure your clothes are on first!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Alan, it was just awful. I was blushing all over. And I didn't even 'kind of like it'. :-(

Lola a dit…

At least you weren't soaking wet with no glasses... Look on the bright side!

Lane a dit…

The stuff of bad dreams!

And some actually go home without showering??? Yuk.

Ben a dit…

Interesting to see how the plot premise of your average porn movie stands up in the cold light of reality, i.e. not very well.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Lola, at least no glasses would have meant that I couldn't see other people's reactions....

Lane, the stuff of bad dreams indeed.

Ben, it had potential. the reason for locking the keys in there in the first place may have been that I was somewhat distracted..... he he

Anonyme a dit…

LoL !!
Have done something very similar myself
put clothes in locker, put combo lock on, went swimming , came out
PANIC!!!
Have picked up hubbys combo lock. can't open it
have to go to reception use their phone to call hubby.
I'm sat there in a nice glass atrium behind the non existent desk in my dripping swimming costume!

Bastard hubby is in the subway so I have to wait ten minutes for him to get my frantic voicemail and call me back !

I symapthise except if you are a regular gym user you probably looked a lot better in that situation than I did !

Z.

The Hangar Queen a dit…

Wocka Wocka Waaa Waaaa

Sorry.Cheesy porno movie music pops into my head with about 50% of your posts.

Shall we aim for 60%?

Lovely :)

Daryl a dit…

Oh .. I am trying very hard not to laugh .. stiffling the tickle of a giggle ... oh .. that was really just so ... terrible ... and now you must get a new lock!

aims a dit…

I have a song floating around in my head too dear heart. It starts - Only you.......

I like that you could 'see' the reactions of everyone. Nice touch.

And the small - teeny weeny towelette? Oh my!

cb a dit…

Silly brit!! This should demonstrate why any padlock should always be a combination lock and not a key lock.

Valleys Mam a dit…

Did you write that just so you could say
and a crowd soon gathers to see the small boy use his big tool.
i wonder lol

A Lewis a dit…

Oops! Shame I wasn't there. I coul d have helped you out in some respect.

Nico a dit…

You might not appreciate a joke involving the tiny towel, so I won't make it.

Lamy a dit…

I am sorry...but I couldn't hold the laughter. It reminds me of a nightmare I had the other day...I can't imagine how I could react in such case.
It's a relieve that everything ended up well for you. Imagine if there wasn't anyone to help you...

Mike a dit…

"a crowd soon gathers to see the small boy use his big tool." wow. that's priceless.

tornwordo a dit…

Too funny. I never remember how to spell cadenas. It always sounds like Kad-na to me.

amy a dit…

If it's any consolation, had it happened in England or America there'd probably exist some CCTV footage floating around on youtube?!

the eternal worrier a dit…

Just found your blog. I know it wasnt funny for you but I LOL. Great post. I'll be passing by again.

red a dit…

Poor old you. But once again you have me smiling at your misery! (btw the americans in my gym in rome never showered there because they thought the showers were too rudimentary- they didn't change back into street clothes though, just jogged off into the roman night in their gym clothes, which the romans of course considered most uncouth.)

Anthony a dit…

Even I am lost for words on this one ......

Rob (Inukshuk Adventure) a dit…

In future you'll have a combination lock and remove specs first, then no distractions. Yeah right!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

z - trust me, I didn't look good in this situation! quite the opposite, in fact....

HQ - it's the soundtrack to my life.

D - new lock is purchased. Now I have to be brave enough to show my face again in the gym...

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Aims, it was teeny. No room for modesty. Awful.

CB - yes, I realise this now. Why didn't you tell me this before?

VM - pretty much!! he he

Lewis, I bet you could have too. Thank goodness you weren't there!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Nico, best not, eh? he he

Hi Lamy, it was just shameful....awful.

Mike, priceless indeed. I just wish I'd been an observer, not the victim!

Torny, it's a word I love though. Don't get to use it enough.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Amy - can you imagine! The horror...!

EW - hello, nice to see you here. Come back visit soon!

Red - that's horrible. I can imagine how the italians viewed that.....

LaTanya, no you're not! I know you!

Rob, no distractions is the key I think. Alas, in the gym changing room? I'm easily distracted....

Anthony a dit…

Oh no, blieve me, I am!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

no you're not...

juliette a dit…

Well look on the bright side, it could have been worse!

At least you could speak French - and had a towel of some shape, form and description to cover your blushes :-)

Bloody funny story, although I'm tres glad it didn't happen to me...

J x

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Juliette, I only wish it had happened to someone else...

Louise a dit…

This is great, but it's the stuff those nightmares are made of... waking up in cold sweat to realize that you really are NOT in front of the entire class buck naked!

Did YOU want to see the young boy use his big tool?

So the English shower? I thought no Europeans did. I'm glad to know that. I was ridiculed for daily showers when I lived in Iceland.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Cheek - the english are obsessed with showers. It's the french that don't shower and the english who have bad teeth. That may be what you were thinking...