mardi 18 novembre 2008

If you can't stand the heat...

I'm writing this through a fog of painkillers, anti-nausea tablets and general vileness. Dear reader, your beloved TBNIL is sick. I think I realised this when I woke up on the floor of our meeting room at work.

I'd only lay down because my head was spinning, but I'd been there for three hours. Well done Debbie for being concerned and coming to check on me. She didn't, of course - I was left to sleep.

Having woken up with an imprint of the carpet tiles on my face, I bundled myself into a taxi and headed home.

Anyway, I've slept most of the afternoon, punctuated by an hour or so lay in the bath (it was the comfortablest place I could find - do you think I'm in labour?).

So, I was a little distressed when my mobile rang and woke me up, but it was my Mom and I figured she may have words of wisdom for me. Now, any of you who have been here before will know that expecting words of wisdom from my mother Is a lost cause. She's like Rose from the Golden Girls, only not so bright.

"Hello bab", she said. She always calls me 'bab' or 'the bab' or 'the babby', what with me being the youngest and she being a Brummie Mummy. You can imagine that I love this.

"Have you been trying to get hold of me, bab?"

"No, not today, why?" I said, leaving my 'I'm sick' announcement until she asks how I am.

"Well the phone has been ringing all day"

"Why didn't you answer it?" I asked, reasonably enough, I thought.

"Because I've been locked in the kitchen". She said this as if I should know.

"You've been locked in the kitchen? How long for?"

"Since 8.15 this morning - the locksmith just got me out". It was 3pm in the UK.

Now, it seems that my mother had got up, gone downstairs and made herself a morning cuppa. As usual. And as usual with old lady houses, hers is like Fort Knox. She has locks on every door. As she finished her drink and went to get a shower, she realised that the kitchen door had locked itself behind her and she was trapped with no keys, no phone and no way out.

She'd spent the day waiting for someone to walk up the street at the right angle to be able to see her frantically banging the window. Apparently, four people had seen her, waved and walked on by. They're off her christmas card list already.

Eventually the neighbour walked past. The neighbour has her front door key too - but her own key was in the other side, so his was no use. Which is where the locksmith came in.

"Why didn't you climb through the window?" I asked.

"Because I had no knickers on. I didn't want anyone looking at my fairy".

And I thought that I was the sick one today.

20 commentaires:

Lane a dit…

Oh dear, I really shouldn't laugh. But .....:-) :-)

Hope you're feeling much better soon, you poor thing.

aims a dit…

First of all - get yourself some candied ginger if possible - helps a treat with the nausea but doesn't make you sleepy.

Next - get a gun.

Next - do your mother a favour and shoot her.

You'll feel better immediately!

My bill is in the mail.

Daryl a dit…

Oh. My. Gawd. I love your mother, seriously, if you want I will take her off your hands, bab.

:-Daryl

12ontheinside a dit…

HAHAHA!
I have never heard it called that before.

Sip on some Bundy mixed with honey, it will cure you immediately. Or at least, you'll feel better for a few hours at least.

Valleys Mam a dit…

Awww did you get to say you had man flu darling.
Plain biscuits or dry toast are good for sickness.
I loved her bits being called her fairy , my mam called it a tuppence , much nicer words than minge and front bum don't u think

Anthony a dit…

Too funny....

My dad got locked in the outside toilet one night .. and my mom just went to bed after finishing watching the movie ....

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Lane - really, you should laugh! Feeling marginally better. Yuk.

Aims, great advice. And that way I'd get my inheritance too!

D, don't you start with the bab thing too!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

12oti, bundy with honey sounds great - and I do have a bog bottle of the stuff. Jut not sure that my body would cope with it....

VM - I can't believe you said minge!?! In the same sentence as biscuits too. Bad girl.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Anthony - was he there all night? Your poor father.

And how unfortunate to only have an outside toilet - how very 1920's.....he he

Daisy a dit…

That's definitely the best euphemism I've heard in a while- poor her! And poor you, I hope you get better soon- can't you go to the doctor and be over-prescribed some antibiotics?!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Daisy, I'm not going anywhere for a while. It's too awful. Although anti-biotics do sound like a good idea....

tornwordo a dit…

Too funny. Fairy is a marvelous euphemism.

A fair fairy a dit…

Wow. Don't you ever stop and think that maybe you are stuck in a multidimensional vortex where strange events seem to collapse around you? 'cuz that's what it looks like to me. Honest and unbiased observation, not wanting to spook you.

Your mommy sounds awfully sweet though. You don't say if she ended up eating a lot during all that time. I probably would have.

Oh and I understand now why you wanted my pills so bad. :)

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Torny, my sister-in-law calls it her 'parlour', because that's what they called the front room in the house she grew up in. That's weird...

Fair Fairy, you see then? I definitely need those pills. I wonder if these things happen just to me or if it's just me who sees them?

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Oh, and mother ate next to nothing on account of having possibly the only kitchen in the western world in which it is possible to starve.

wontletlifedefineme a dit…

I hope you feel better soon!

Louise a dit…

What? Now I'm coughing. Don't make me laugh, it makes me cough. Then my head hurts. I know you know what I mean.

There are times to toss modesty aside. Call me crazy.

conortje a dit…

You should have stayed and I'd have looked after you. I'd have been ever such a good nurse!!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Marjolein - much much better already. thanks!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Oh Louise, you poor thing! I hate that. I'll try real hard not to make you laugh....too much.

Big C, trust me, I should have stayed. Would you have worn the uniform?