jeudi 23 octobre 2008

The singer - Part VI - the end

After a short stay in ‘hospital’ K was sent home, pending a date for his trial. He went to his parents’ home and we spoke regularly. I know this sounds weird, but I kept in touch because on top of everything that had happened we were friends, and I felt he needed a friend. And I’m sure I didn’t want to just walk away either.

After a month or so, he called to ask if he could come and stay at mine, in the spare room. His parents were being too overbearing and he needed some space, needed to live like an adult. I said yes. I didn’t know what else to say.

K came back to live at mine and did indeed move his things into the spare room. He would sometimes sleep there, sometimes sleep with me.

During his time in hospital and the month afterwards K had been diagnosed as suffering from a form of psychosis. He was taking tablets to send him to sleep and others to wake him up. Seroxat became his best friend.

His mood wasn’t what you’d call stable. He would become enraged quickly, never violent, but angry. He was a totally different person to the K that I had known ‘before’. Sex brought on awful nightmares for him, but his libido hadn’t disappeared. Ultimately, the seroxat put paid to any hopes of a sex life for him and he became frustrated.

Socially, he was a nightmare – I never knew what to expect and I ended up rarely going out. It was too hard to mix him with friends and family, and leaving him behind led to arguments and awfulness.

His day in court finally came and he was acquitted. He never gave me the details. He wouldn’t allow me to go to court with him. He told me afterwards that he had planned to kill himself on his first day in prison had he been found guilty. He had hidden heroin in a condom in his backside for this very purpose. This is what he told me. He showed me the heroin.

As his talk turned more and more to suicide I started to get scared. I was way out of my depth here. I would talk to him about his future and he would say that the big difference between us was that I wanted a future and that he just wanted to disappear, to end it all.

But then some days I’d come home from work and he’d have cooked dinner, rented a DVD, put flowers in the kitchen. We’d sit together on the sofa like an old married couple and watch the movie, his head on my shoulder. These days would upset me more than the angry days.

And then my Dad died.

I wasn’t able to grieve for myself, look after my mother, deal with my brother’s strange behaviour and handle K all at the same time. He wanted to be my number one priority and I couldn’t do it.

At the same time he stopped taking his pills. He had decided that he was well and that he could stop the medication. I understand now that this is part of the rollercoaster of depression, but it was so new to me. Put this together with all of the other pressure, and I was pushed to the edge.

I was grieving. In the last two years, I had buried three grandparents and, but a week earlier, had seen my father into the ground. I had a psychotic lodger/boyfriend, a newly widowed mother and a brother who couldn’t see past his own grief to think about anyone else. I had closed my doors to friends as K got worse. And my family just weren’t interested.

All I wanted was to be at the top of someone’s list, but there was no one.

One night, I tried to explain this to K. He told me that I had no idea what it was like for him. That I was selfish and that I didn’t care. That he was going to kill himself. That his death would be my fault. That he’d stage it so that I was the one that found him and that it would be ugly.

That was it. I went upstairs, packed his bags and phoned his father. His son was no longer my responsiblity. I took my keys off his keyring and I told him to leave.

Getting him out of the house wasn’t easy and I was afraid. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’m no weakling, but he was a very strong guy and the situation was tense. This sounds incredibly dramatic, but if he wanted to kill me, he could have done so. Very easily. Nothing would have surprised me.

With K out of the house, I left by the back door. I locked the house behind me and quickly, quietly went to a local hotel.

I presume he waited for his father, but I don’t know.

Today, it’s six years later, and the hard part for me is not knowing what happened next.

He fell off the edge of my earth and I never saw or heard from him again. His parents wouldn’t take my calls and the single letter that I wrote was sent back unopened.

I hope he is alive. I hope he is well. But really, I can no longer bring myself to care.

23 commentaires:

conortje a dit…

Oh my God Travelling I can't imagine how tough all that was. Just want to give you a hug now.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Whenever you want. In the words of Shania Twain, 'come on over'...

Did I just quote Shania Twain? Shame on me.

Nico a dit…

I also knew a person who had been diagnosed with some form of mental problems and threatened to kill himself anytime I refused something he wanted from me. I did the same thing you did - I erased him from my life. Several years later, I know he hasn't killed himself but found a SO, changed jobs and in general is living his life. However, I still refuse any contacts with him because of how unbalanced he is. I suspect if something bad happened to K, his parents might actually tell you to make you feel guilty. I'd think he's alive and around. I believe that sort of experience makes you just want to forget about him.. he's put you through too much.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Nico, you talk a lot of sense...the whole 'living under threat' thing was just not anything I could do. i'd have been too scared to open my front door, worried about what I might find...

softinthehead a dit…

OMG that was scary just reading it! Never having been in such a situation myself, I don't know how I would have dealt with it. I should imagine that experience seriously affected subsequent relationships - how could it not. Hugs also :)

wontletlifedefineme a dit…

That must have been such a tough situation... It's a good thing you ended up choosing for you, not anyone else.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Softy, it kind of did for a while...but I'm a 'pick yourself up' kind of guy...

Marjolein, 'twas the best decision I ever made...!

Louise a dit…

That is messed up. When you said the nice times made you angrier than the bad times, I understand completely.

The whole guilt thing makes ME angry, and the fact that his family would participate in it is worse. You did what you had to do. You did it much later than you should have for your own benefit. There is no reason for K, and especially his family to respond as they did.

I am glad you are past it. It is all you can do. Something similar in a very remote way (VERY REMOTE) happened to me once, and I had to let it go right at the beginning. Thankfully the family of said person did not try to make me feel bad in any way for anything. People like that need help, and it's not our job to help everyone.

What an experience! I think you are the type to take all experiences and apply them to make yourself a better and stronger person. That's all you can do with such a thing.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Louise, at the time there was so much else going on that I had little choice but to get on with it. My Mom was in a pretty bad way - as you'd imagine - after Dad's death, and that needed handling. My life went on hold.

By the time my life was off hold and back on line, K was such a distant memory that it really didn't upset me.

Life is strange. It's lucky that I'm still as normal and happy as I am, in some ways!

Daryl a dit…

Its so sad that depression works the way it does ... and bipolar .. the meds make the taker feel 'all better' so they stop and things go south rapidly... I hope he got help and has worked things out so he is happy ...

You did the right thing ...

:-Daryl

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Daryl, I hope I did. It felt right, and still does.

Breezy a dit…

Well done I can't tell you how relieved I was to read that you got yourself out of that abusive relationship it really took guts on your part

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Breezy - what it really took was the thought of coming home to a bloody corpse!

tornwordo a dit…

Wow, crash and burn story. I wonder why the parents wont take your calls. Nico's probably right.

12ontheinside a dit…

Holy crap. What a dreadful thing to go through - for both of you.
I can absolutely understand the reasons you had to cut ties, I'm actually in the process of divorcing my very unbalanced husband - he also made threats that he'd kill himself if I left, but he didn't.
Anyway I also feel like giving you a big hug and the making you a nice cup of tea.

Rob (Inukshuk Adventure) a dit…

Goodness me! Such an awful situation to be in. You did exactly the right thing, for you mainly, but possibly also for K. I'm glad to know you're leaving that sad episode firmly in the past. (((hugs)))

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Torny - crash and burn indeed!

12OTI - you know, I would love a cup of tea, thanks. Milk and one please.

Rob, firmly, firmly in the past...phew!

Stew a dit…

One of Kurt Vonnegut's themes in his books is that our enormous brains are trying to kill us.

Even those of us who are relatively sane (yes, I know, let's not go there) spend a lot of time being selfish and crap to other people.

Why do we do it? Why do we have to be so manipulative?

Listen up people, we have one life. It is not a dress rehearsal. Let's make an effort, each day, to nejoy, be happy, be decent to one another, to try and be less crap.

TBNIL you get a "nice guy" credit every time you post stuff that makes me think of stuff like this.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

hi Stew,

thanks for the nice guy credits...where can I spend them?

I'm going to try and be nicer now...

Daisy a dit…

Wowzer. You told this really well, and I'm sorry that it's something you had to go through, it sounds terrifying. And horrible just not knowing where or how he is all these years later, that's the worst part I think, even though it's obviously for the best. Thank you for sharing.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Daisy, you're welcome - and thanks for the compliments...

Valleys Mam a dit…

You must be a very grounded guy. Look at all you took on. Sometimes its a bit like "the incredible hunk" we just find strength from a deep down place and we become a different person just to cope. The feeling of relief when we can just go back to being us is amazing. Been there and threats of suicide and blame are the pits, but one hell of a wake up call. You are right people sometimes have to take responsibility for their own destiny.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

VM, having broad shoulders helps, but you are absolutely right - when the burden is lifted it's amazing and such a massive relief.

I naturally try to solve other people's problems, but less and less these days - individual responsibility is the way forward!