mercredi 1 avril 2009

What kind of (April) fool am I?

This used to be my life. It ws supposed to have calmed down. Instead, here I am at the Gare du Nord. It's 6am and I'm waiting for my train northwards, to a shitty town on the Belgian border. I'm just waiting for someone to jump out shouting "April fool!". Alas, I don't think they will.

I went out for a beer with le Parisien last night. And I came to some conclusions, made some decisions.

I like him. I like him a lot.

But I actually only like 80% of him.

I like that he makes me laugh. I like that he's as hot as hell. I like that we have things in common.

But it's the bit that I don't like that I think is finishing this for me.

I don't like that he's never happy to say "yes, let's do something again soon". I don't like that he's emotionally distant and yet really close at the same time. I struggle to see much beyond the facade and get an idea of the real person. He's a closed book and it's pretty firmly closed.

I'm an open book, a talker, a person who likes to know where he stands. I don't handle 'playing hard to get' or 'I'm an enigma' very well. It bores me, stresses me and makes me mildly neurotic. I prefer cards on tables. I hate being neurotic simply because the other person won't open up.

Now, maybe it's too soon to expect this from him. That's totally possible, but I'm usually pretty good at working someone out quickly. Maybe I'm so head over heels with the 80% that I want the other 20% immediately/too soon. Either way, I've made a decision.

I'm going to keep on enjoying the 80%, and keep my eyes open for someone who gives me the 100%.

Thinking that this boy is the be all and end all is not healthy for me, and will be the death of anything happening between us.

I'm moving on. But I'm not giving up.

Maybe something comes of this, maybe it doesn't. Either way, I'll find what I'm looking for.

I will, won't I?

30 commentaires:

Elfinamsterdam a dit…

Of course you will.

Just relax, and keep being your self and keeping your options open.

You deserve 100% and will get it, he may be the one to open up and it may be someone else, but you are doing the right thing enjoying it for now.

I am the same, I give all very quickly and get annoyed internally if its not reciprocated. (and sometimes I got frightened if they did give 100% - I mean they have to have issues right?? )

Relaxez Vous ...

Elf

Anthony a dit…

Give the guy a chance. I'm 20% closed (well, maybe more). But it's just me. It's who I am. People eventually get in there, but it's hard to give 100% from the outset. It's nothing against other poeple that I don't show 100% straight away. What is an issue for someone, maybe nothing for someone else :-)

And more importantly .. a train? At 0600? EUW!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Elf, it's all about me relaxing, I think. I'm sure it'll all sort itself out.

LaTanya, issues schmissues, I guess? And yes, a train. And more to come too...

Anthony a dit…

Issues my ass! We're just not all in the same place at the same time ....

travelling, but not in love a dit…

LaT, I'm saying it's my issues that I need to get over. But yeah, maybe I'm just in a different place...

Pure Poser a dit…

You should get the 100% babes! Maybe he has 'A Past' which is affecting his relationship with you.
How many dates has it been now?

Hehe, if you're like this with relationships, god help you at christmas and birthdays! :D

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Poser, god help me indeed. I'm much better at Christmas and birthdays, trust me. it's only when 'love' gets in the way of sex that I stress....

Daryl a dit…

Good move ... personally I am a strong believer in the theory that when you are open to whatever fate throws you, you can do very well ... its sort of how I met Husband ... I knew the one I wanted was never really going to want me in the same way .. so while I enjoyed him I also made sure I was open to meeting others ... and I did .. and amazingly HE turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me or ever will.

wontletlifedefineme a dit…

It's always hard these kind of things. And you will find what you're looking for. :) You already got pretty close this time, right?

L a dit…

That's a great attitude to have, I must say.

"I don't like that he's never happy to say "yes, let's do something again soon". I don't like that he's emotionally distant and yet really close at the same time. I struggle to see much beyond the facade and get an idea of the real person. He's a closed book and it's pretty firmly closed."

I know exactly what you mean. A (brief) recent relationship has fizzled out over the last few weeks because of exactly that reason. :( And it was because he had his heart broken 2 years ago... as did I. I guess there are different reasons for everyone.

aims a dit…

Well sweetie - I am just like you. I say how I feel, I do how I feel. There's not much that is hidden in me (except for my deepest darkest secrets). I believe in honesty and giving.

The 80% would not be enough for me either. Not for a relationship. For a good time fine - but not forever.

cb a dit…

Hell, I'd take 80% and run with it!!

Just don't let him make you an April Fish.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

D, I just decided that I'd leave him to get in touch and, hey presto, he's texting me this evening...lord.

Marjolein, pretty close. I just need to be patient, eh?

L, lovely to see you here...everyone has their own reasons indeed...I wish I knew what mine were though!

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Aims, 80% isn't enough, but it's getting close...he he

CB - I refer you to the wisdom of Aims sir....and no, no poissons d'avril for me today. Thankfully ;-)

Rob Inukshuk a dit…

You got 80% after a handful of dates? Not bad going. He came back for more of you, so he must think you're worth it - might be worth hanging in there - if you run, he will have been right to have withheld some of himself. Besides, it's way to early to be thinking anything beyond the next date.

Desperately Seeking Seersucker a dit…

Yay for you! Someone once told me that if I found a man I was 80% happy with I should marry him. I disagree!!! Perhaps him leaving dirty undies on the washroom floor is negotiable, but emotions are not. I need 100% on the things that count too!

That certainly doesn't mean you can't enjoy his 80% while your search continues :)

Valleys Mam a dit…

Ok Boy bach,its 80% and building.How much does he think he has of you,may be that's 80%.
take what's there and enjoy,it leaves more to explore and unpick. More to savour.
how boring would it be to have it all flopped out on a plate so soon.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Rob, I'm not running, just not closing the door to any others either...

Seersucker, the search does continue, but he's definitely still 'in the mix', he he...

VM, I don't want it all flopped on a plate (honest). I just like to know where I stand. But hey, I'm still into him and still enjoying time with him - I'm just not thinking that he's the answer to my prayers....yet.

12ontheinside a dit…

I have NEVER given 100% of myself. Until I met my current boyfriend, that is. I think it probably took me 3 or 4 months before I realised I could 'let go'. Perhaps he will too. Have fun in the meantime :)

Louise a dit…

Yes, you will, but OMG do you have to make me laugh SO hard? "I'm going to enjoy the 80% that I like." I should only read you in the summer when I don't have bronchitis!

Myopic Psychotic a dit…

In the initial stages of a relationship there are always games and sussing one another out. It forms the chemistry. Yes, it can be head wrecking, but it's also part of the fun. The buzz of dating comes from butterflies and continually checking your phone for text messages. Hold on in there. The fact that you are wracking your brains thinking about him might mean you do in fact like him.

That 20% that you don't like might represent a defence mechanism. Maybe you are afraid of getting into something at this moment in time.

Hold on in there and see what happens. If, as you describe, someone comes along, who is 100% what you like, then it is obvious le Parisien is not the Beau for you.

Enjoy the butterflies x

conortje a dit…

we'll have a good think about percentages over cocktails this weekend :-)

travelling, but not in love a dit…

12oti - it's all about having fun...honest!

Louise, you have bronchitis? Poor you. Living in the desert can be hard, no?

MP - the butterflies are good...I like them! But they also make me feel sick :-(

Big C, I truly can't wait for the cocktails. Yay ;-)

Myopic Psychotic a dit…

God damn ... I want cocktails too.

Butterflies are what it's all about. My butterflies died years ago. I wish I had taken a wildlife preservation order on them.

It's so exciting ...

P.S. 'Twas me that mailed you :)

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Hey MP....well, it was lovely to hear from you....he he. I love that kind of thing. And as for the butterflies, well I'm thinking of opening a farm...

Henry North London a dit…

I find that I tend to run and run and see if anymore comes out ie from 60% to 80 or 90 Sometimes the reverse happpens People clam up

Im currently interested in two people who have let me see their photo are 85% compatible but are not talking as yet

We shall see what happens

L a dit…

Thank you for the welcome. I love this blog, you write so well. And of course, being a Rufus fan helps! :) x

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Henry, you sound even more of a percentages man than myself...

L, did I mention that I'm going to see him live in June? Too exciting....it'll be like the fiftieth time, but nonetheless....

red a dit…

I'm a 100% kind of girl, from the get go, so I understand why you have your doubts. I reckon your moving on but not giving up is the best approach, but I don't usually like to give advice. If I did, I'd say follow your instincts, which is what you seem to be doing already. x

tornwordo a dit…

Is 100% realistic? I think 80% is great! Still, I understand the wariness of head-over-heelsdom.