mardi 10 février 2009

What lies ahead

I'm going back to England tomorrow.  

Panic not, it's only for five days, but nonetheless it feels like it's more than that.  I don't know why.

England means various things to me.  It's the past but it's also the future.  As much as I love Paris, I imagine that I'll end up back in the UK at some point.  The thought makes me feel a little sick.

In fact the whole thought of the future makes me feel a little nauseous.  I'm definitely a man who lives in the moment.  And, as far as I'm concerned, I have good reason to.

I'm the fourth generation in a line of men who died before their sixtieth birthdays.  My Dad died at 59, my grandfather at 58, my great-grandfather at 59.  I've never really paid much attention to my pension fund.  I wonder why?

True, I'm a lot healthier than any of these men before me.  I don't smoke and, although I'm in desperate need of dropping 'quelques' kilos, I have an active life that keeps my heart going.  I make sure that I get regular aerobic workouts, but you know that if you read this regularly (wink, wink).

Despite all this, I still find the future a strange place and it's not somewhere I ever really want to think about.

Maybe it's the lack of someone by my side.  Maybe that's what makes people think about the future; plan, dream, anticipate.  Maybe.  

I'm not saying that I don't want a future - far from it - but I can never look too far ahead.  I get anxious, nervous, unsteady if I think about next year, five years' time.

I'm happy to think about the things I want to achieve in my life.  I want to go to Easter Island.  I want to live in Tokyo.  I want to see the grown-ups that my nieces and nephew become.  I want to wake up next to someone and think 'this is it, this is love'.

But make me think about these things in terms of 'when' and 'how', and I'll just turn and run.

Of all the things I want for myself, mostly, I want to be happy to think about the future.

For the time being, I'll occasionally give what lies ahead a passing thought or a glance, but I won't dwell.  

The future is for other people.  I just want now, thanks.

20 commentaires:

Daryl a dit…

I can identify ... sort of ... its the Peter Pan syndrome ... sigh even straight happily married women suffer this ...

aims a dit…

Perhaps Daryl has hit it right on the head.

I dated a guy once - his license plate was PtrPan - and he carried around the book like a mantra. Notice I said dated once....

I don't think all our planning and dreaming changes anything unless of course you're the kind of person who takes steps in the here and now towards the future. But hey - there's always that bus - what bus? - - - - - who knows?

12ontheinside a dit…

That's why I found a boyfriend who is just as idiotic as me. Our theory is that you're only young once, but you can be immature forever. (That being said, if you find the right person you might just find yourself thinking of the future, with them in it.)

Valleys Mam a dit…

Who the hell with any sense looks that far ahead.
I have only ever looked as far as the end of my nose.Enjoy what comes and be spontaneous.
having a partner doesnt help, if you aint a grey cardi and slippers person then nothing can make you one.My view on life is worry about worries when they land.
Yes of course people have career plans, but how many actually follow them.Life has a way of popping up.
Enjoy dreaming and being,its far more productive

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Daryl, glad it's not just me then...

Aims - he sounds like a worry. Like a one-date-worry!

12oti .. I think an idiotic boyfriends sounds perfect. That's exactly what I need!

VM, dreaming is where it's at. Without question.

alan a dit…

You know, Aer Arann do flights from Birmingham to Waterford...

conortje a dit…

don't forget the creme eggs :-)

I go into total denial when it comes to the future although my travelling future is very exciting (and ridiculously scary0.

wontletlifedefineme a dit…

I have the same thing when it comes to the next few years ahead. Looking into the future for me means I will have to graduate, find a job, move house... I don't want to think too much about it or I'll start panicking slightly...

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Alan, now that's tempting.....

Big C - will remember the eggs....and travelling future is incredibly exciting - although these shores will miss you!

Marjolein - some big changes ahead there dear...eek!

alan a dit…

you're welcome at any stage! ;) I'm thinking of what mischief you could get up to here in our boy bars! :)

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Alan, maybe in the summer when the rain has stopped....?

And I love how you make it sound like I'm the one who was misbehaving....

knifepainter a dit…

The problem with plans is, someone or something always crops up and makes/forces change.

Stay with the short term view as long as you can !

softinthehead a dit…

"The thought makes me feel a little sick." !!! I know what you mean and I cannot explain it either. :)

Louise a dit…

This helps me understand the restlessness a little.

But I think everyone has if not fear, a healthy uneasiness about the future. All of us look at our parents and find something about them we don't want to become. It's easier to not think about all that than really process it.

Keep up the aerobics. (wink, wink)

Brett a dit…

The males in my family were dying younger, my dad only made it to 37! So i was very like you in regards to the future, then i hit 38 and all of a sudden it struck me that although i could die at any minute i could also go on for ever, or at least a life time, quite a shock.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

KP, short term is where it's at. Much easier....

SITH - but it's there isn't it? weird.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Louise, I'm keeping it up, don't worry. And the aerobics too (wink wink right back at ya!)

Brett, I guess I'll have to wait til I'm sixty for that moment! Let's hope I make it....

Ben a dit…

Very touching post, Travelling. I was going to nominate it for another POTW, but the bloody site's gone down. Arse.

I was always more scared of living too long. I think loneliness is far more fearsome than death.

travelling, but not in love a dit…

Ben, bless you....I noticed that potw has been down for a while - odd, no?

And I hadn't thought of the loneliness vs death thing....now you've given me something else to worry about...!

Felicia a dit…
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