So, firstly, I've not been blogging as much recently...there are a few reasons. It's not that I have nothing to say - quite the opposite in fact.
You know how life is split into three - worklife, lovelife and social life, but maybe not in that order? Well, the theory is that all three should be in harmony, in loving equilibrium with each other. When one of the three demands too much time, effort, energy, then the other two suffer.
My problem is that all three are demanding too much time, effort and energy at the moment. I'm exhausted. Literally, falling down tired, sleeping as soon as I sit down somewhere even remotely comfortable. I'm wiped out.
And the thing is, I'm not sure which one of these areas can give. Which one I can draw back from to try and sort this whole she-bang out.
Work is madness, but it's the season for that. This is always my busiest time of year and it's made worse by the fact that my campaign budget has doubled, thus the work has doubled and the new staff member I recruited started and then quit not 48 hours later.
I'm currently travelling almost every day, leaving early and getting back late. Crazy.
Social life - and I include blogging in this area - is as demanding as ever. I've always worked hard to maintain a good network of friends. Living in a foreign city, this is more important than ever. My friends - on and off line - are really important to me. Alas, with work, I'm finding it difficult to see them as much as I want. I'm struggling to get online and visit friend's blogs and I can't tell you the last time I was picking up the phone to chat the evening away.
None of this is made any easier by my current 'in love' status.
Yeah, you heard that right. In. Love.
Well, at least I think so, but maybe not. Aaargh! I don't even have the time to think this one through properly either.
I've been seeing le FP for four weeks now - and we haven't spent a night apart in that time. I appreciate that this is far from healthy, normal or sustainable. But when have I ever been any of those things when it comes to relationships.
The time I spend with him is fabulous, I love having him round the house and I really look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.
He's generous, kind, loving and sexy.
But that doesn't stop the sick feeling I get in the bottom of my stomach when I think about where this is heading.
Why can I only see this ending in heartbreak for me? Am I really that damaged? That screwed up? That insecure? Why can I not sit back and think that this guy is with me because he really likes me? - goodness knows, he tells me often enough.
Anyway, maybe I have good reason. He told me this morning that he thinks he has to return to Montréal some time in the next couple of weeks. He started with "I'll be gone for a week" and this mutated into "maybe I'll stay there until Christmas - but you can come over for weekends..."
I hate maybes. I hate having no time. I hate feeling insecure.
But most of all I hate sitting here in Calais waiting for a meeting to start with someone who doesn't have the decency to call and say he's going to be late .
Doesn't he realise? It's not like I have time to spare.
The mood I'm in, God help him when he does arrive.