Ting Tong merrily on high

I got a call last week from a guy who wanted the exclusive distribution rights for my company's products in central France.

As this kind of thing is part of my thrilling, international jet-flying job, I organised to see him. This is how I ended up in a meeting room of a fancy pants hotel with him, his wife and Debbie. It's normal that husbands and wives end up doing this kind of thing as business partners, so it didn't surprise me that they were à deux.

However, I was a little surprised by the oddness of the couple. It didn't help that when Debbie came back from collecting them at the reception desk, she quickly came over to where I was sat and whispered in English "Wife - not daughter".

They entered the room.

He - fifty something, unattractive, badly dressed.

She - twenty something, podgy, dressed head to toe in pink leisurewear and a Thai girl of the mail order persuasion.

I smiled sweetly and introduced myself.

Small talk over, the conversation turned to business and the Wife soon lost interest. She perked up a little when I was trying to get a map back into a plastic tube. She took it off me, stood up and inserted it into its, erm, sheath, with a good deal of panache and a not small portion of sluttiness. Had she licked her finger when it was in, the scene would have been complete.

Now that the map was back in its home, she retook her seat. Well, she did once she had coquettishly walked behind her husband who patted her ass as she brushed up against him.

I ignored it all and continued to talk about profit margins, selling prices, exclusivity and non-compete clauses. All very dull.

Madame obviously foudn this very dull as within minutes of taking her seat, she fell asleep. Fast asleep.

Her head was back, her mouth was open and she was snoring. No, she wasn't snoring. She was gurgling.

I looked at her husband.

"She gets like this in the afternoon" he said, clearly disappointed.

"She must be tired" said I.

"Maybe she has jet lag" said Debbie. I tried not to show that on the inside I was pissing my panties laughing.

"Maybe" he said. "She's only been here a week. You wouldn't believe the trouble we had getting a visa for her."

"But she's worth every penny, no?" said Debbie.

*silence*

"So about that non-compete clause......." I said.

I don't think I've ever been quite so desperate to change a subject.